TeaRs & FeArS

28 August 2008

I don't like my insurance agent!

Last saturday, after signing the agreeement :

He goes "So give me a few names and numbers of your friends, like I said I would need you to give......."

Me:" Errr..." 

"Don't you have any names?  don't underestimate your ability to influence.."

"But I really have no names to give..."

"There must be! Are you so unlikeable? No one who you can influence?" He started showing impatience and anxiety.

Me in my head: "Is that a threat? You fucking prick!" 

Offended, I scroll my address book in my phone, I wonder why I bothered.

Gave him some names. He goes  "Are these friends you treasure?"

"What do you mean? I treasure all my friends!"

"I mean, come on be honest. We do rate our friends, like category A, B and C." 

"Mostly Bs." 

TODAY at the clinic for health checkup....... PAY BACK!

He goes "I have called your friends, and they have almost all said yes! Except for those I couldn't reach! I am very happy, eh thanks leh! See they all like you more than you think!! Are you happy?"

"Its not whether they like me or not lah! Its whether they mind me giving their numbers to you lah. I wouldn't want people giving my  number to people I don't know mah, Same goes for them. I was worried they will be offended."

There! Made my point! Idiot! 

"Are they? Which ones?"

I pointed a few names.  "But I sent them an SMS apologizing."

Noted from a friend "He called me, and told me, that you rated me one of the top 3 friend. Ask me if I am surprised....."

TOP 3?!?!? I do NOT rate my friends, and I do NOT like the label of BEST friends and what number 1, 2 or 3 friend. I only have a CLOSEST friend from secondary school. I don't like labels and I definately do not want anyone to label me the same!! How can he just go to people and say they are my number ? friend!! 

Don't like this guy, he only cares about making contact with people who can benefit him, or link him to more business. And he treats people nice and gives praises only when he feels like there is something to get in return. Once discovered you are not helping him, the impatience and temper shows. Am I OBLIGED to help?! Favors for favors. Materialistic, revengeful, short-tempered man. I do not wish to trust him with or deal with him in any other business other than being my insurance agent. I will make sure my connections with him stops right there. Hopefully, he will not turn out to be too close to my closest pal.

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21 August 2008

Egoistic Leos

I have an ego problem.

I do not mix with people who are better than me in certain categories.

This is very bad of me.

Hahaha 

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18 August 2008

Wei shen me ne me zhi zuo?

Let go.

Think everything will be alright if I had let go of loving my brother. I will have no problems.

Same goes for YJ.

Why am I so stubborn in love? 

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What I really want

I guess anyone reading my blog, knows the obvious, but have not said it:

I really wish he remembers everything, all the way from year 2000. How we started, every bit of the way we took.

I wish he remembers and treasures it, returns as a whole of who he was.

My wish is fat hope.

I will die with this wish.

This is out of my life, let me concentrate on living without it. 

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17 August 2008

Don't let it go to waste!

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16 August 2008

I only know emotional misery

I think throughout my life, one thing is constant.

Unhappiness, misery and imprisonment.

I can't be happy for long.

Now I am still unable to let go. I am still hanging on to "why", unable to accept my outcome. 

I am still sad, very sad, and desperate for help. My chest feels heavy, suffocated and I can't breathe.

I hope to die when my parents do. 

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15 August 2008

Dear Gohonzon

Help me stay sane.

Why do I still feel crazy when just ONE of his friends gather with me?

Why do I feel uneasiness when friends say they are all getting married and pregnant?

I saw another recent picture of him and actually am thinking he looks good. 

Since I no longer check his profile on Friendster / Facebook, why do I still react when he jokingly changed his status to "married".

I don't think I can take it when he actually does, and I am still alone. I can't take it that I have given the best of me and am not good enough for someone. I can't take it that hardwork means nothing in emotional sense. It does not work that way.

I can't find peace on my own. I can't find peace as long as I am within contact of him.

I need to disappear, recover.

Or I need strength to stay sane in Singapore.

Can I withdraw and stay with single friends on my own? 

I think my mental health is going wry. 

Please let me chant to a fast track of emotional peace, mental and physical health.

Please help me. 

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12 August 2008

Re-read "My Heart Flutters- 24th June"

My brother once mentioned, that those desperate for a partner, shows it somehow.

People can tell.

They exude somekind of "aura". 

The "I am really needing a life partner" aura.

I am exuding this desperado aura.

FREAK!

I need to get rid of the desperate thoughts and "aura". 

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Do I have a choice?

Mum goes on shopping with me. Sat down for a break at TCC Peranakan Place.

We started chatting, then for some reason, came to the age-old topic of how inappropriatly I dress, or how I am not like a girl and do not take care of my appearance.

Then it drifted to how I do not get a boyfriend or get married.

In public, she discussed this loudly. Shaming me.

I told her firmly that the conversation should stop right there. She carried on regardlessly.

I do NOT want to be stuck with her. Not on tour, not at home.

I want to get out of the family as soon as possible.

Melbourne? That is a solution, IF I can deal with the new found loneliess that awaits me there. 

No I am not ready to deal with that. Even now, I am lonely at home during Christmases and New Years.

That is sad for me. 

Moving out to a flat? That is so tempting, but that will incur another set of bills to pay, and in default keeps my family from saving money. Together as one unit, we can save money. Not a very convincing argument, this one.

NO I do NOT have a choice, I do NOT have a resolution. 

I am stuck with living with my parents, because I am stuck with certain values of "right" and "wrong". 

What is the real issue? That I am not courageous enough to make my life choices firmly. Not courageous enough to show my parents to get out of my life.

I HATE THEM. 

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Imprisoned

I am imprisoned.

By myself.

By my inability to be courageous enough

to handle my own life firmly.

I am imprisoned.

By my family.

Parents who interfere at everything. 

Parents who wouldn't let go.

I am imprisoned.

By my skin.

Skin that is a life-long commitment

to ugliness, to spending.

I am imprisoned.

By my lack of faith.

For anything that claims to be able to save me,

I tried too many to believe.

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09 August 2008

What irks me

.....are victims of beauty.

They are so easy to recognise.

Read the profiles of singles, and ask them to describe their appearance.

They select "Attractive".

.....are victims of beauty 

Say anything about their appearance to be not perfect

and the next thing you know, they will start doing something extreme about it.

..... are victims of beauty 

Their spouse is almost always very attractive.

And they only notice beautiful people.

And they compare themselves with the beautiful people.

.... are victims of beauty 

They neglect the beauty within, which glows from the inside.

So shallow.

They stare at themselves at the mirror at every opportunity.

..... are victims of beauty

As much as I hate them, I do recognise

I still have alot to learn from them.

But I will rather learn from real beauties,

who are beautiful inside, takes care of themselve

and somehow, they are beautiful outside as well.

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My face will be black and hair white soon

Can I choose to die because I am ugly please?

I have nice features, and am proud of them. Only knew that my features are genuinely nice after a picture was taken today. But I have also realised how much older I am from the picuture. It is very obvious now.

But close examination of my skin reveals my eczema is getting worse....... I am no longer scratching as much, but the scars are here to stay, and there are more and more. My neck is already black and my face is starting to get the black streaks.

At the rate this is going, why am I not chanting yet?

Please let me die because I am ugly.

Let me die. What is the future for me? What will be happening to me?

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07 August 2008

Leos are arrogant

And I believe I am.

People say I am not, cause I keep criticising myself.

Then again, I do that so that I can keep reminding myself.

That I am older than I would like to be, that I have wrinkles and a kind of look that differentiates me from the youngsters, that I am ugly, that I am fat..........

Somehow I am not able to see that.

I wish I can accept that fact of what I really am and that I will not be getting married. Alone, all alone, and thus need to plan my financials properly.

I do realise that I am not of any condition to request for anyone to accept me as a life partner.

And my time has ran out.

I will be turning 30 on Monday. 

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I have 110 posts?

Wow I didn't know I have that many posts.

Anyhow, my musings are all around the same issues. It is amazing how much one can say just on a few issues. Maybe it is just me, repeating the same thing over and over again.

I am an idiot in insurance and financial planning.

I have just been able to check my funds, and found that one is earning, whilst the rest are losing money.

Two questions:

Does the one earning cover the losses from the other losing? I will calculate that later.

If I were to let go of the one earning, how much transaction fees will be paid out?

Then again, I think since I have only earned a little, and the cycle fluctuates, I should wait till I earn like over SGD10,000 then let it go. Then maybe reinvest when the market is low again.

I don't really know these things help!! 

I have just chatted with an insurance agent whom was referred to me by a close long-time friend. And since I trust her, I think I will just be going ahead with this guy. He is happily married with children, and even the children's tuition fees in UK are taken care of. He is very smart, highly educated and confident. When he is talking to me, he probably felt that he is talking to an imbecile. hahahahah

Just makes me feel more out of this world than what I expect myself to be.

Birds of the same feather do flock together. If you are very smart, you tend to be close to those just as smart, as they can understand you better. I do realise, just as much as I choose my friends, people can be selective and do not want to hang out with me too. It is sad as I remembered certain cases of people from my previous firms who don't bother to keep in contact. Then why I am so arrogant that I chose my friends too? This is cause and effect in action. I keep reminding myself how stupid I am.

I am not who I want to be. It is too late to envy. I have enjoyed most of my life playing, and I am paying for it. 

The insurance guy illustrated that there are two kinds of people in this world:

1) one who collects the pay check, spends and save whatever is left.

2) one who collects the pay check, saves and make do with whatever allocated to be spent.

I am actually the second class, but as I have no savings now I told him I am the first. He did mention not many are of the second class. They usually are prepared for retirement. I am able to say I am the second class if I am not supporting my brothers' studies. For I do save more than 20% of my take home pay every month. .... .and its wiped out, all $20,000 for his tuition.

He better be a worthy investment! I hope he pays me back. Guess that says it all, my real thoughts..... that he pays back....... 

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29 June 2008

What's becoming of me?

First, it was the fluttering feeling.

Then for some reason, as if I have called out to him, he approaches me for a job issue.

Then there is someone else that I keep seeing here and there around the office as well.

And for goodness sake, they are probably all younger than me.

So when the one approaches me and I have directed him to my boss (as I can't make decisions on his issue concerned), and I felt that I have offended him, I sulked whole day. I went to my subordinates resting in the pantry and said "I have offended someone, and wo xi huan ta hen jiu le!"

Now the initial reaction from them was laughter, and shock. The next reaction is probably "gosh who is she to like a handsome young thing like him?" And yeah, they both think he is very very attractive.

I have to really absorb the fact I am no longer as attractive as I once was. and I was NEVER attractive enough for THAT kind of guy for the whole of my existence. Just my ex. hahahah

I feel like I am going mad and turning desperate!

One way good to remind myself is to remember how I view a senior friend, who was 30 of age and I thought it would be difficult for her to get married.

I remember the aged skin and the wrinkles around her eyes. That should help.

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24 June 2008

My Heart Flutters

As mentioned before, I am not for people who can't seem to live without a partner. I think a single person an be as fulfilled as everybody else who has a married life.

But why does my heart wander when I do not have a relationship / when I get over a relationship?

It seems that it is always searching, searching to rest on someone.

My eyes searches for potential guys, and heart flutters when it senses one.

Some of them will keep hanging in my mind.

Then I have to snap back to reality to remind myself that I am no longer as attractive as I once was.

Recently I dreamt of a guy I had never met in my life. He has braces and he just smiles and smiles.

I do not know whether I was actually afraid of that image but I was not scared awake.

I don't like this pulling myself back to the ground to avoid floating and getting carried away, being attracted to certain guys in the office. I am watching myself closely to avoid showing that I am attracted to them. I sometimes give myself away without knowing.  

THIS IS SICKENING! 

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19 June 2008

My brother and his new girl

Last night, after I retired to bed, there were footsteps just outside my room.

Then the lights in the stairway went on.

It was my brother, saying "shhhhh"

He led this girl up the stairs to our rooms. And he peeped into mine. My eyes wide open.

That stupid girl peeped in too. I stared back at her.

What kind of guest of a house, peeps into a person's bedroom when she can see that someone is already lying on the bed!?

What kind of idiotic person is she?

And these few nights, my brother has been watching movies with this girl. And sending her home. Obviously he is pursuing her. Perhaps they had forgone the Siem Reap trip cause my brother can't go and he decided to get the girl all the way from China to Singapore instead.

Then again, I am not really that sure that the girl is the same one from China, am I?

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Hans and Eva

Dinner on 11th Jun

"Your english is perfect!"

"oh, no no, its just normal....."

"No, its perfect!"

hee hee hee hee

Today dinner at home

"Come to Germany! you can stay at our house! And I will bring you around! We hope you can come!"

"I will try definately. Am pleased to see that you are travelling with your dad..... and you live with him. You must be a really good daughter...."

"No no no, just normal.........."

"still, travelling with your dad, so nice. And you cook for your dad yeah? Yes you are a good daughter, I am sure."

"I try.........."

 
I will never be a good daughter to my parents anyway.

I want to run away. but where can I run to? 

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17 June 2008

I hate my family

I hate my parents, for they are never happy with us.

I hate my brother, for I deem him hopeless and he deems me an idiot.

I hate myself. For being the first Singaporean to fail Australian CPA and being not able to get it. I will be closing accounts for the rest of my life! Without the three letters, I cannot do anything.

I hate myself. For I am not lovable.

What more can I say? 

I am empty inside. 

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Why Guys Marry Some Girls (And Not Others)

From Cosmopolitan  / MSN:

"It happens all the time: A guy spends months, even years, in a long-term relationship with a girl he really digs. But after dropping the I-don't-see-myselfever- getting-married bomb, he suddenly turns around and ties the knot with a new chick. " 

The characteristics of women men marry are:

i)    She's Exciting and Always Evolving

"spontaneous and a little unpredictable, taking on new interests all the time, and revealing different facets of herselfBy never letting life get static, this woman busts the myth that being married means feeling humdrum. "She makes being with her an adventure, as if there's always a new idea or activity just around the bend."

 "She's naturally driven to challenge herself by trying new things. That's the kind of girl you want to marry. If you aren't continually fascinated by each other, it won't last."

 ii)  She Really, Really Loves Sex

"it's not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level."

iii)    She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life

" It's flattering to a guy to realize that his girl thinks the world of him, but it's less appealing when he gets the impression that he is her world"

"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness."

iv)    ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her

v)    She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be

"I wasn't on speaking terms with my father for years, and when I told my girlfriend this and that I just didn't care about having a relationship with him anymore, she didn't nod sympathetically. She made me call him and work things out because she knew I'd eventually regret it if I didn't.  "

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10 June 2008

Can I have a singing partner?

To sing with, have projects of harmonising many songs, like the girls of Wilson Phillips or even a guy singer. I can just be a backup.

Just for leisure. 

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Guess I still miss the days, guess he's irreplaceable.

His English at least of a standard I am pleased to communicate in. Not too lousy, and not too impeccable until I can't comprehend. And this "just-nice" standard that I can least accept is hard to find in a guy. HAHAHHA

He lives only with one more person; his mum. That makes privacy reachable. I have total privacy and place to hide from the world and parents when needed. His mum and he himself kinda really valued my opinion, and kinda listened to me. I made many decisions for many things. I am not xiao nu ren, guess I am really happy with this. And this arrangement is awfully difficult to find.

He is humble, don't talk too much, and quite intelligent really.

He is loving, and very very very sweet. That is VERY hard to find.

And just these factors are so hard to find.

I still miss those days with him, guess he is irreplaceable. And I do not have the youth to attract another soul anymore. 

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08 June 2008

My English Is Deteriorating!

The younger generation is somewhat blessed, in a certain sense that their parents can afford them many development courses like the arts, singing, dancing, drawing, music, etc.

Growing up surrounded by electronic means of communication, we see the young keying fast and furious into their mobile phones for SMS, sending out many e-mails a day, etc. Thereby, their English vocabulary only gets better. Spelling sucks as they succumb to the net language such as "U R" and "ROFL" etc. But the vocabulary is getting better as they write often, and some of their writings are really good. I have read many pretty impressive blogs.

I am ashamed at my own English standard as of now, compared to these young people. I hope to at least be at my previous standard, the one I had in my secondary school days.

HELP. My grammer standard has declined!

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What is wrong with these people?

Am sick of arrogant people exasperatingly exclaiming "Speak English English! Not Singlish!"  I am proud of Singlish as my culture and will use it whenever appropriate to a common countryfolk, and will switch to using proper English when needed in formal business context. I am proud of the way I speak and damn I will NEVER change it!  

Am sick of everyone asking me "any updates?" and somehow I knew what they are referring to.

They are usually those of the few same characters and what they are really saying is "any new relationships?"

And no matter HOW MANY TIMES I emphasise relationships no longer is an agenda, THEY DON'T GET IT.

Getting sick of them and their stereotype as if a woman MUST have a man or something. They drive me sick. Can't they be more independent?! Funny how now I try to think of their names I can't think of any. just one green leaf, one Audrey, one XJ, one YQing. Come back to update when I do remember. Think I stopped meeting them. That is probably why I can't remember any hahhaa.

Then there are those complaining about how they cannot find Mr Right hard as they try. That is because they keep knowing the guys from pubs and clubs! What do you expect to find in a shallow place other than shallow people!? Then some are married with wives! Goodness! As if these women will DIE without a man. So many a times, when we meet, all they grumble about is having "no man, no man, no man, am getting older, how I am alone."

CAN'T THEY JUST STAND STRAIGHT UP ON THEIR OWN!?

Think the reason why I am alone is also because I am too strong. Still I respect these "xiao nu ren". 

Once, I grumbled about how unhappy I am cause I am not successful, someone can actually ask "Is it because you are lonely?"

THAT REALLY SET ME OFF! LONELY! MY SCHEDULE IS BLOODY PACKED WITH DIFFERENT GROUPS OF FRIENDS AND MY RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CAN'T BE LONELY! DON'T THINK I AM THE SAME!

GOSH! The loneliness I felt is perhaps only stemming from the fact that I am sooooooooooo busy and sooooooooo distant from being me. So I keep postponing meeting this lady friend, to show how busy I really am.

Then there are my parents.

Dad mentioned how good they are to us, how they let us learn what we chose and did not force us.

I hate him for saying and thinking that I WANTED to learn ballet. I was forced into that ugly translucent costume by my mother who wants me to learn to be graceful. I hated all that.

I hate my mother for asking "why did you take up CPA? That shows you have a drive to achieve more! It's good!" When it was her telling me all about my eldest maternal Malaysian cousin taking all sorts of secondary certs and degrees, and won't stop saying things like "you don't want to do your CPA? you don't want to do your CPA? You dont want to do your CPA?" Like it was such a hard fact to accept and she wouldn't stop nagging until I started doing the CPA. And now I am probably the only Singaporean who failed in Australian CPA! What a great "boost" to my self-confidence, a complete waste of time and lotsa money! Everytime I get reminded of CPA, in whatever sense, my blood boils!

Can't have my own life without them as it is not a culture here nor is it practical to live away from your parents. Pretty often, I go to the company doctor for consultation. Not necessarily taking MC all the time, but for the medication.  If I should call back home to tell them I am taking MC, the first thing I hear from my parents is how much time-off I take for consultation, and how many MCs I have taken. I mean, there are 14 MCs for each year! Half the year has past and I have only taken 3! So another day is ALOT? I can't even rest in peace and go home when I am sick! I used to have a place for solace as my ex lives only with his mum and I have the keys to his apartment and no one is usually at his place in the day. I always go to his place for resting. How I miss those days, at least there is a place to hide from the world!

WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS! None the worse than my parents though. Think I will always hate them for that idiotic roundabout they are playing. FUCK IT! 

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Reading

I hardly read. No time, not even for papers, much less a book.

But have been reading books written by Neil Humphreys, about this island that I live in. He has been residing in Singapore for enough a time as 7 years, to be writing about the good, wonderful as well as bad and strange things about Singapore.

It is a consolation to me, to be reading someone else views that coincides with mine. As opposed to Neil, I have lived for a short time overseas, to appreciate the good things about Singapore and scoff at the bad compared to other countries.

I am glad to read his viewpoints on how we should be proud of Singlish as a culture, as much as others are about their slangs (aussies, rural parts of US and UK, etc). About how Singlish can be appropriate to communicate as much as proper English in certain circumstances. How many can actually alternate the usage between the two skilfully, as some of us are as eloquent as that. About how rare safety and security one can enjoy in Singapore actually is compared to the rest of the world. About how people travel to another country only to live, eat and mix around with their own kind. What is the point of going all the way to another part of the world and you do not embrace their culture? You learn nothing! I am one of the rare Singaporeans who went to live with a diversty of people whilst in Melbourne on purpose, because I don't want to live with Singaporeans, eat with Singaporeans and come back as a Singaporean. And I am proud to have done that, though now thinking about it, I do not know where I got the courage to endure the filth and insecurity living with that many different people in an old house in a district with many ex-convicts and drug addicts. About how ironic the Govt is strict on nudity and violence, while legalising prostitution. About how kiasu-ism is the ugliest trait we display......

Am glad my views are validated, no matter how small a way it is. As not even Neil knows I am almost in total agreement with what he writes.

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Kriss Kross - Jump

Searched for the video when I heard the song played on 95fm.

One mentioned as comments on the video "dang folks must be puttin hormones in our school food supply because im 13, and dont nobody in my town thats that age, is that small, this aint the only time ive thought about this... we make folks back then look like 9 year olds."

One replied to that "Probably because the children were allowed to be children back then."

I agree, I am lucky to be a normal child of the 70s. Ain't missing no childhood.

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07 June 2008

Freemale

Noted in TODAY :

You are a freemale if:

- the idea of getting married brings you out in cold sweat (yes for now)

- you go to bed in a facemask and socks (nope)

- your impressive collection of new shoes is not hidden away at the back of the wardrobe. (nope) 

- you have a female friend listen as next-of-kin (hmmm??)

- all of your best male friends are gay. (yes) 

- the only thing that needs looking after in your life is your cat - and yourself (nope).

- the only time you read the lonely hearts column is for a laugh (yes)

- your've never been speed dating - but you're an ace at the karaoke machine (yes but purely because I love singing)

- before going on a date, you book an appointment not with your hairdresser but a counsellor (a good galfriend actually)

- you buy your own jewellery (yes)

- you haven't lost touch with all your friends (almost)

- you're not waiting for Mr Right , or even Mr Right Now (kinda)

YAY :D 

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01 June 2008

Word of the Day: Bigoted

Meaning: "utterly intolerant of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own." from Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Oops. 

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22 May 2008

Fear

Why feel self-pity?

Why feel sorry for myself?

Why broke?

Why immature?

Why waddling?

Why no action?

Why is nothing happening?

Why am I not growing up?

Why fear?

Fear fear fear fear

Why sad?

Why angry?

Why ugly?

Why don't I see me?

Why death?

Why irascibility?

Why irritability?

Why tired?

Fear fear fear fear 

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16 May 2008

My temper

I realised my temper is such that:

As long as something is not negotiable at work, and it gets me everytime, I think of leaving.

For example, boss asks me to do something, Task X.

I was resistant, boss did not understand why.

Then I talked about my frustration with my colleagues. My colleagues suggested ways to let her know, how to phrase things better, as I have no idea how to talk properly when my temper is bad.

I calmed down and spoked to boss, explained properly why I am reluctant to do as she says.

Boss nodded in understanding.

But time comes when she can justify her stand as to why Task X needs to be done, irregardless of how difficult things are, ignoring MY reasons of why we cannot do it.

We are humans not robots. 

Then my temper is such, things cannot get through and I am forced to do things in a way I do not like to, then I contemplate resignation cause I cannot work with my boss. I don't see how I can ever respect her cause she does not seem to have ever handled operations. Probably one of those with degrees that hit the top spot at one leap.

As such how is it that I can ever stay in any job more than 2 years?!?!?!

I can't.

I need to tame my temper but I can't see anyway to go about Task X. 

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14 May 2008

Things DELETED don't seem to totally delete!!

Like, I deleted a post......... but it always shows in search engines. Then when you view it from the search engines, it is still there.... Then if you click on any link on that deleted post, it disappears in the next page as an unavailabe option.

I need to do something about it.....

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Fan Tai Sui

This Lunar New Year, I am supposed to Fan Tai Sui.

For my best friend, it started the night before Lunar New Year even arrived. His dad landed in hospital for stroke and even now, is semi-bedridden.

For me it has started about two months ago. Mar08.

Two office-political bad luck..... then there is the losing of things. Anything long-distance is hard to maintain. 

The reason why I never intended, but had overlooked bearing my own real name in my blog, is that, I don't want people who know me personally know my real thoughts. Ugly thoughts.

Hatred and anger.

But I have OVERLOOKED!

and my name was there TWICE.

And I have deleted the blog but somehow, when I try to search for the blog in online search engines, it still shows?!?!?!?!? 

Had more to write, but am tired. Need to go gym tomorrow so shall take my rest now.

Saw his pictures as a "teacher". Suddenly looking at his pictures, I realised, he is very very very ordinary.

Just so ordinary. Suddenly it dawned on me why people don't understand what I see in him.... hahahhhaha

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12 April 2008

Goose Pimples

Wah, read this, perhaps once in a while so as to give myself a confidence boost? HAHAHAHAHAHAH Am I mean to display this on a blog? though anonymously? Is this bad and inviting bad karma?

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11 April 2008

Irascible

Was invited to add this application in Facebook. Called something like "Birthday Meanings" and found this part of my greatest weakness pretty accurate:

"Irascible and easily stirred up to strong love or bitter hatred, jealous and envious."

And I can't agree more. That was what my poor-ex had to put up with. 

So its understandable why he left me. hahaa 

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10 April 2008

Excruciating Pain

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28 March 2008

Kill me

I have already done all I could. Mask, moisturisers, water, honey, sleep, anti-biotics, anti-histamines, not sleeping with fan blowing directly at my face. No air-con while sleeping. 

My face is red, swollen, inflammed.

My ears, super-inflammed. Peeling. Water forming on surface. Water with tiny bits of blood. Bloodwater. It smells. The ears would not stop secreting this liquid. And it itches bad. Burns bad. If I scratch, its nasty. It looks terrible.

If I can have the courage to kill myself to stop this suffering, I will.

If I can take another MC, I will. It kills to work with this going on.

I can't take no stress, skin reacts. But stress is a part of life. And definately in the working world.

Kill me please, just let my life be done. I may not be suffering as much as stroke patients, or handicaps, or cancer patients, or those in real pain. I am in itch and I cannot take it. And it burns. And I don't really care how others are worse off than me, I simply cannot take it.

Can I please be dead.

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23 March 2008

WOWWWWW

Hear this......

This is what a Briton script-writer has told me about myself.

"May I ask, where did you learn your English? It's impeccable! Simply impeccable!"

I blushed..."Are you serious?!"

"Well, yes. Absolutely. You don't speak like Aussies, with the Aussie slang...."

"Don't I? I thought I do have a slang."

"No, its just..... no slang....."

"Wow, I don't get praises like this, and coming from a Briton!!! I should have recorded that down." I responded.

We laughed.

HEY! Talk about getting all that confidence back man! Woo-hooo!!!!

Think I am not exactly impeccable with my language but am flattered anyway.

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19 March 2008

Remember this!

I was reading Daniel's palm 15mins ago.

"You're going to have two relationships, one of which is a marriage. Your marriage will be pretty stable, but then shortly you will have an affair. This goes on for a while and your marriage will be broken for a short while by the affair.

Your marriage continues alright after the affair."

Then I carried on that he will be quite rich and successful and that he is confident blah blah blah. 

"You think I'm right?" I asked.

 "What about?" he asked.

 "The broken marriage part." I went.

"Nope, bull crap." he went. "Good I answered.... just listen but don't believe it."

"I know," he goes "I mean, do you think I am such a person?"

 "I don't know" I answered.

"I stick by my morals, If that is going to happen then that girl will have to be like really really hot....."

 Haha ......... remember this day....... what I predicted vs what will happen.

We'll see.

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18 March 2008

Dont' Mock Me

All grown up.

Just saw Daniel this morning in shirt and pants..... all grown up. Handsome young man, getting all the young girls' attention.

He is like C***** to me.

All grown up to be brats eh? All so adorable when young and a brat and idiot when of age. Both probably thinking I am really stupid and muddle-headed. Ok, so maybe I am and they mock me. And I do not understand guys anyway.

And me? Trying hard to let go of the little boys I once adored.

Just need to guard myself against attachment. Attachment to kids, attachment to friends, attachment to things, the past. Think that is a real problem with me, having attachment to things and then not letting go. Very much like Mum, and that, I do fear alot. I don't want to turn out like her.

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16 March 2008

SOTONG

Was at the Changi airport yesterday, checking in, felt butterflies in my stomach.

What was I nervous for? I can't really point out. Perhaps its that I have not travelled so far for a long time. Or that I am afraid that when I see J*****, we have nothing to talk about. Or in the first place, that J***** does not want to meet me anymore. 

About a month ago, I messaged J***** and told her of my confirmed arrival to Melbourne. She asked if my aunt was picking me up and whether I needed a place to stay. I replied that I was staying with my aunt and my aunt would pick me up. Then I asked her when she might be planning to see me, that if she could afford to spend some days with me. She mentioned that she will have to arrange again closer to the dates.

Last Monday, I sent her yet another message, asked her to confirm when she will be meeting up with me. She told me to meet her at the corner of Elizabeth and Collins for lunch on Wednesday. Not forgetting that I once have messaged her that I will be arriving on the 15th, I thought she would have kept track and meant to meet next Wed when I do arrive.  Come Wednesday afternoon, I received a missed call and a missed message from her saying that she was waiting for me "where Optus is" and that she was starving. I quickly called her back when I do realise, and she never picked up. So I messaged her as soon as I could. I felt soooooooooooooo bad on the miscommunication. I messaged her to let me know when she is meeting me next week again. She messaged "will let you know as I will be shifting".

See I am not sure. I think I have lost her.  I think I have lost her when I was too authoritative when she came to Singapore. I took one whole week of leave just for her, cause she is too important for me.

So probably my nervouness came from this........ that I will end up not being able to meet her and that she will no longer be a friend of mine. 

Trying to check in------Rules are soooooo tight now! Boarding time is like 1hour before departure and you have to be there at least 0.5hour before boarding time.

So I went to the gates, expecting many people to be there but no one was there. For a moment, I panicked. Called my dad and told him that I see no one there and the gate is not manned. He said "look carefully, there should be a sign saying when the gates will open." And I looked up, and saw this signboard, with lights, saying that the gates will only open in ten minutes. SOTONG!

I used to be more focused, resourceful, independent. If I was the me years ago, when I first went to Melbourne, I am not so muddle-headed. I would have known exactly where to go for help, ask around.

Age is catching up. A big factor. SIANNNNNNNN. 

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12 January 2008

Internet

Wah, restraint my use of the internet so he can go online and chat with this J****** freaking girl.

Selfish idiot! WHO IS PAYING FOR THE INTERNET? And you think its your right to use it when you need it?!

Everynight! When will he grow up?

Idiot 

Everyone is an idiot!

When will my skin heal, EVER? then my relatives won't keep trying to get me to go Melbourne!

What is it with them! I told them I am only making my initial entry for a week! I am not intending to stay in Melbourne at all! What is it with "when are you coming here for good?"  "Your skin is much better here and its only getting worse there and you have a bald patch on your head already" "stress here is much lower" "'job opportunities here are good"

GIVE IT UP ALREADY!

I don't want to leave and then come back once a year to see my parents aging too fast without my knowing and feeling heartache seeing them much older then when I last saw them.

I want them to grow old by my side.

I don't trust my brother with them. And even though I hate them from time to time, they are, after all, the only two who loves me on this earth. 

Leave me alone. 

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11 January 2008

Disgusted

Absolutely disgusted. Ultimately disgusted.

All men are the same. They can't be trusted.

My brother broke off with his girlfriend of 5 years. He told me only a month later. I was sad, cause I was reminded of my own pain. So sad I almost cried for this. My own pain all coming back to me again. I won't say its unexpected. But when I asked who initiated, I got a great shock.

"YOU were the one? AGAIN!? What is it with you? Committment issues? Back in this life to take revenge on girls cause you were rejected all the time in your previous life or what? What do you have to xian qi ta? She has all to xian qi ni! You have nothing to offer her, yet what she did for you for the past 5 years has been that of a very sensible, matured girlfriend. Doing all for your own good. Ni Ping Shen Me? You have a committment issue or what?............." 

His reason? " I no longer enjoy being with her....... and we have nothing in common...."

"From the start???!!!!! Geez, and all relationship gets stagnant! So what happens in marriages? Divorce cause it got stagnant?! all relationships require maintenance! Keeping the fire alive! what kind of excuses are those!?"

He then explained that the recent trip to HongKong with X**** was his last attempt to rebuild the relationship, hoping to realise he still loves her. That it was a difficult decision, and that was why he "dragged" the relationship.

I asked of his 3 girlfriends, which he loved the most. He mentioned the 2nd one. And which he thinks loved him the most, he also mentioned the 2nd one to be the one. He also said that she was too possessive. My opinion? X**** invested more sincerity, care, concern, TIME, YOUTH, thoughts on him then any other. Respecting his privacy and all. 

Damn.

This is not exactly the disgusting part. The disgusting part is shortly after he broke the news to me, I realise he is very much part of the life of another girl. 2 years younger than X****. Everynight he would log-on to the internet to talk to that Jas**** person through Skype. Idiot. What a creep. One month, and he likes another already. He probably liked her first, then broke up with X****.

Jerk! Like my ex-es. All the same. Freaking jerks! Always leaving one for another younger one.

Then I realised  I don't even want to be near my brother, cause he reminds me too much of my ex. The same aura.

Get away from me! 

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31 December 2007

I can't cope with my work, get me out of here. Should I tender tmr??

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30 December 2007

Broke, tired, empty.

Damn broke,

Bad year ahead financially I can tell.

CPA causing me brain and wallet damage, work giving me countless challenges.

Will I reach my dream of becoming an Assistant Manager earning $3.8 by 31?

Doubt it. Come to think of it, that is quite unrealistic.

Feel helpless in the new firm, everyone is new. Turnover is high and the old-timers jumping ship, because of the good economy and tough times ahead with new system implementation.

That means, heavy-timed meetings, causing work backlog and overload, UATs, more meetings, parallel running, coupled with the financial year-end audit in April08 that clashes with UATs.

Stupid timing, what made them plan like that?! And the head office had to be so stupid.

I have went back office to work this weekend. About 10 hours yesterday and today I worked for 8 hours. My weekends going to be burnt like that for the next 6 months of closing.

And as I mentioned before, the staff here are f**king arrogant, young, gradutes, who have seen nothing but think they know everything. Called "young and dynamic"? I call them young and f**king rude, pampered things. Seen too many of those, married pampered, stayed long in the company think they know the whole company upside down, not open-minded and unreceptive to new ideas and attitude problem.

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26 December 2007

Impractical

Amazingly impractical.... STILL!

Saw W****'s picture on facebook. Ever so beautiful, a star. She should go be a star. What is she doing getting our accounting field's rice bowl?

And I thought, what made him think he can EVER have her?~ Based on what? Looks, none, money, she has more, education, she is better. Ummmm......

He bought a MacBook. I asked how much it cost. He said $3.5K and that it wiped out his savings. 

Then he talked about how irrational that is, that he has to think in a way to please the situation and so take it as an investment.

And he still owes his mum's friend his diploma studies money. And that will probably never be returned. Its a debt maybe 4 years old.

"I think I can afford to be irrational this time. When older, I must think more."

My guess? He will never be able to fight temptations, cause he goes with his reckless feelings. He will remain the same.

Stupid 

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24 December 2007

New Year Celebration

There are friends, and there are friends.

Some friends you want nothing to do with anymore. Some you want to meet once in a while.

I have many I want to do nothing with anymore. Those insensitive to my feelings, when they gather in couples and pairs and I am the only single person in that social gathering.

Those insensitive to my non-achievements, and bring their career woes to confide with me.

Some insensitive to my eczema and size status and tell me about themselves being fat and ugly. 

I don't want to spend my New Years with them. No way am I joining them for a New Year celebration.

Some I want to be close to, but are not close to me. Takes two hands to clap. 

I don't want to be alone next Christmas and New Year holiday season. 

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23 December 2007

New Year Resolutions

1. Get my CPA program completed SUCCESSFULLY.

2. Get confirmed in my current firm.

3. Impress superiors and get commendation.

4. Chant more regularly to get my eczema completely healed without any more creams, and for parents to be happier and wiser, and for brother to be more mature and less selfish.

5. Lose weight. STARVE.

6. Be as sucessful as peers, earning a competitive salary comparable to theirs. Else, break all contacts. 

hmmm.......

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15 December 2007

What happens now?

I failed CPA113 AGAIN! Third time in a row!

WHY?

And I was sooooooooooo confident that I will pass this time round, with the change in the exam structure and the easy case study.

I STILL FAILED!

I dun understand why this is always happening to me?! At first in uni, it was Company Law, I took 4 tries to pass it. Then it was Accounting Theory, I took 3 tries to pass with distinction. And this time round its this paper. And the last round I thought I will pass with distinction too!

Damn I was sooo upset! I wrote a desperate e-mail to the person in charge of this paper "what happens if I pass all the subjects but this one, and fulfilled all other requirements? I spent so much time and money, and now I don't get my CPA because of ONE paper?  I know its a compulsory segment but please is there any other way?"

All I get as a reply was "this is a compulsory capstone segment. Without passing this, you will not get your CPA status."

DAMN.

Was so upset, wrote another e-mail to confide in my aunt.

My aunt pushed me again to go to Melbourne. "There is uni night courses for CPA subjects. Come over and take these lessons and consult the lecturers here. You will probably pass!"

I have heard of those lessons. But moving to melbourne will spoil my whole career path. No way I can compete with those confident out-spoken angmohs in impressing people during interviews.

Looking at my peers, who are complaining that they are trying to beat the HDB deadline within which the income requirement will soon be fixed at $8K  and below. And they are all saying how they will hit the income bracket soon. I realised how much a failure I am. $8K! If their hubby, at the age of 35 and below, earns like the maximum 5K, doesn't that mean my friends are earning like $3.5K and above? DAMN I am so blooddy Chao Ji Wu Di Man in my career progression! I only earned $3.5 for 3mths, then kena change in company cause not confirmed in my previous good job. and now stuck in a firm with $3.2k a month.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPP!!! I am such a failure. 

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11 December 2007

F***ing Rude

People here are so so so rude.

What is their problem?

Funny how I land up in this firm. I never liked this particular country, its culture or people. Yet I am eating their foods, chanting their buddhist script and working in one of their biggest firm.

2nd working day and checking their travel claims. Found errors and so returned them to the relevant people for correction. And what they could say was "don't return so much in future!" As if it's under my control that you guys make the error! I don't want to seem incompetent and give a whole batch of errorneous Payment Request to my superior!

And the people here are again, soooooo rude. it was only my 2nd week here and how am I supposed to know what has been going on. Just felt that several depts are against us, the Finance. Be it on the phone, or when my boy went to look for them, they give the attitude as if we owe them a million dollars. This is confirmed with my colleagues who have been ticked off several times rudely by them. And these rude ones, surprisingly, are CONTRACT staff!!!!

First week, I endure. Second week closing, so too busy to deal with them. Third week and I am at my lowest tolerance level. Give it any more tries and I will snap.

I found myself terribly revengeful. Where people have annoyed me, especially if they treat my subordinates badly, I will go find something where they do wrong to shoot them back, in person. Protective nature? Maybe.

I have to endure for 3 years. I want to be able to stay for at least 3 years. Hopefully I can do it.

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11 November 2007

Fed Up

Its the same, things I complain about. all the same.

My love-hate struggle with my parents, my brother, my self-perception of life. 

My wanting to move out, but not having the financial capability to.

My wanting to lead a life the way I want to but having decisions and life made out for me.

My feeling all trapped and helpless, strong anxiety of the future, and search for internal peace.

My wish for ending my life, and fear of the same.

My surrendering to the way my life is, and the karma that I have.

My acceptance / unacceptance of myself. 

I have amazing friends, listening to me all over and over and over again for the same issues and grumbles.

Else, its hard to stay sane.

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22 September 2007

All that matters in the family.

So, my family's utilities bill comes up to around S$450/- each month.

And I contribute only S$500 a month, given to my parents S$250  each. As to how they spend the money, I leave it to them.

My take home pay is just slightly over S$2,500 and I am considered in the middle income range. People can survive with just take home pay of barely S$1,200 a month!

But my parents are very disappointed because my brother is not making family contributions yet at the ripe age of 26 and I am barely making much.

I do not have much left after my medical expenses and CPA fees. Yes I do splurge too, I am guilty of splurging on food, facials and massages. I am also now supporting my brother's university fees.

I am not the kind that wants to be highly successful in the corporate world. I will be happy living with whatever monetary rewards I can earn, and in a small flat.

But my parents have the vision that me and my brother can take over the expenses of the house.  In Singapore, to earn as much as my dad did and be able to support a family of 4 with the high living expenses in a terrace, is an amazing feat to many.

I do have much appreciation for him slogging out his life to give us so much but we have taken it for granted somehow. And I do not expect myself to be able to do the same.

One minute he can tell me to save up for myself as I will not be married and the next he is disappointed I am not making enough contribution. I do not have much to spare. I explained that I will take over the utilities bill after my brother graduate but they smirked and shook their heads. If I go according to their wishes, I will not have any to save at all for my "singlehood".

I have resigned to fate that my life is more or less fixed and planned out by my parents and I do not have a way out. To heaps of people, I dare say 80%, to have earned the Australian immigration visa and yet not utililise it at all is a complete waste. People are applying and not getting it, and the requirements are getting tougher each year. And I just let it waste by, letting the clock tick to the due date.

But this is my life.

I take it all in. I will support my brother through uni, then I will have nothing more to do with him. Parents will never accept me for who I am, and I will not accept them nor my brother either.

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04 September 2007

Squeeze me dry

He just wants to squeeze me dry.

He does things for me, such as picking me up to go home when he is convenient.

Anything else, he won't move an inch.

He said so himself "who care about how you think or what you want to do?"

I offer to support him his school fees and he goes "you just want me to fulfil your expectations of me". MAYBE.

And he takes the money like his rights.

Everything else, he wants us to serve him.

Something as simple as the person turning something on, then that person should switch it off. I have to clean up after him.

Let time pass quickly with work, finish supporting his fees, and let me have nothing to do with him. 

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25 August 2007

Let me accept it in full

I love my parents alot.

I adore my brother and have done enough for him.

Least to say, YJ.

And I have done my best and I have tried for too long.

Everyone is selfish in this world.

I have been one very selfish person too.

When I pleaded for us to try again, YJ said when we broke up, "I don't believe you anymore."

Kudos to my parents yeah.

Kinda realised children echo aloud the actions and words of their own parents, because that is the way they are brought up. So this is retribution.

I probably treated YJ the way my parents treat me.

My brother is the way he is because of the way my parents constraint him in all areas of his life. Whatever he does, my parents think he is wrong. When he takes their opinions and does what they say, he finds he is always unhappy because he is not doing what he really wants to. He is handicapped in a way. I am somewhat stuck as well.  I am lucky I got my big break away from parents being in Melbourne before. Else I think I will end up just like my brother.

My parents lament "we do not know how to bring kids up, that's why you guys are soooooo 'outstanding'". They say and they 'admit' they can't raise kids in the sarcastic way to instill guilt, again and again, in me and my brother. Just so we get to do what they want us to do. They never really question themselves where they had gone wrong.