TeaRs & FeArS

I don't like my insurance agent!

2008-08-28T21:09:31+08:00

Last saturday, after signing the agreeement :

He goes "So give me a few names and numbers of your friends, like I said I would need you to give......."

Me:" Errr..."

"Don't you have any names? don't underestimate your ability to influence.."

"But I really have no names to give..."

"There must be! Are you so unlikeable? No one who you can influence?" He started showing impatience and anxiety.

Me in my head: "Is that a threat? You fucking prick!"

Offended, I scroll my address book in my phone, I wonder why I bothered.

Gave him some names. He goes "Are these friends you treasure?"

"What do you mean? I treasure all my friends!"

"I mean, come on be honest. We do rate our friends, like category A, B and C."

"Mostly Bs."

TODAY at the clinic for health checkup....... PAY BACK!

He goes "I have called your friends, and they have almost all said yes! Except for those I couldn't reach! I am very happy, eh thanks leh! See they all like you more than you think!! Are you happy?"

"Its not whether they like me or not lah! Its whether they mind me giving their numbers to you lah. I wouldn't want people giving my number to people I don't know mah, Same goes for them. I was worried they will be offended."

There! Made my point! Idiot!

"Are they? Which ones?"

I pointed a few names. "But I sent them an SMS apologizing."

Noted from a friend "He called me, and told me, that you rated me one of the top 3 friend. Ask me if I am surprised....."

TOP 3?!?!? I do NOT rate my friends, and I do NOT like the label of BEST friends and what number 1, 2 or 3 friend. I only have a CLOSEST friend from secondary school. I don't like labels and I definately do not want anyone to label me the same!! How can he just go to people and say they are my number ? friend!!

Don't like this guy, he only cares about making contact with people who can benefit him, or link him to more business. And he treats people nice and gives praises only when he feels like there is something to get in return. Once discovered you are not helping him, the impatience and temper shows. Am I OBLIGED to help?! Favors for favors. Materialistic, revengeful, short-tempered man. I do not wish to trust him with or deal with him in any other business other than being my insurance agent. I will make sure my connections with him stops right there. Hopefully, he will not turn out to be too close to my closest pal.

Egoistic Leos

2008-08-21T23:54:21+08:00

I have an ego problem.

I do not mix with people who are better than me in certain categories.

This is very bad of me.

Hahaha

Wei shen me ne me zhi zuo?

2008-08-18T17:05:17+08:00

Let go.

Think everything will be alright if I had let go of loving my brother. I will have no problems.

Same goes for YJ.

Why am I so stubborn in love?

What I really want

2008-08-18T00:02:02+08:00

I guess anyone reading my blog, knows the obvious, but have not said it:

I really wish he remembers everything, all the way from year 2000. How we started, every bit of the way we took.

I wish he remembers and treasures it, returns as a whole of who he was.

My wish is fat hope.

I will die with this wish.

This is out of my life, let me concentrate on living without it.

Don't let it go to waste!

2008-08-17T00:18:36+08:00

It was so difficult getting through...... let it be for a good reason! Let it pay back big! Let it be for the better! Don't let it go to waste! No turning back! Move forward! Make myself prepared for something bigger and better! Let myself be ready for something good! And all that I am going through will be meaningful! That is the only way I can help myself!

I only know emotional misery

2008-08-16T01:31:36+08:00

I think throughout my life, one thing is constant.

Unhappiness, misery and imprisonment.

I can't be happy for long.

Now I am still unable to let go. I am still hanging on to "why", unable to accept my outcome.

I am still sad, very sad, and desperate for help. My chest feels heavy, suffocated and I can't breathe.

I hope to die when my parents do.

Dear Gohonzon

2008-08-15T01:57:44+08:00

Help me stay sane.

Why do I still feel crazy when just ONE of his friends gather with me?

Why do I feel uneasiness when friends say they are all getting married and pregnant?

I saw another recent picture of him and actually am thinking he looks good.

Since I no longer check his profile on Friendster / Facebook, why do I still react when he jokingly changed his status to "married".

I don't think I can take it when he actually does, and I am still alone. I can't take it that I have given the best of me and am not good enough for someone. I can't take it that hardwork means nothing in emotional sense. It does not work that way.

I can't find peace on my own. I can't find peace as long as I am within contact of him.

I need to disappear, recover.

Or I need strength to stay sane in Singapore.

Can I withdraw and stay with single friends on my own?

I think my mental health is going wry.

Please let me chant to a fast track of emotional peace, mental and physical health.

Please help me.

Re-read "My Heart Flutters- 24th June"

2008-08-12T22:04:21+08:00

My brother once mentioned, that those desperate for a partner, shows it somehow.

People can tell.

They exude somekind of "aura".

The "I am really needing a life partner" aura.

I am exuding this desperado aura.

FREAK!

I need to get rid of the desperate thoughts and "aura".

Do I have a choice?

2008-08-12T21:57:35+08:00

Mum goes on shopping with me. Sat down for a break at TCC Peranakan Place.

We started chatting, then for some reason, came to the age-old topic of how inappropriatly I dress, or how I am not like a girl and do not take care of my appearance.

Then it drifted to how I do not get a boyfriend or get married.

In public, she discussed this loudly. Shaming me.

I told her firmly that the conversation should stop right there. She carried on regardlessly.

I do NOT want to be stuck with her. Not on tour, not at home.

I want to get out of the family as soon as possible.

Melbourne? That is a solution, IF I can deal with the new found loneliess that awaits me there.

No I am not ready to deal with that. Even now, I am lonely at home during Christmases and New Years.

That is sad for me.

Moving out to a flat? That is so tempting, but that will incur another set of bills to pay, and in default keeps my family from saving money. Together as one unit, we can save money. Not a very convincing argument, this one.

NO I do NOT have a choice, I do NOT have a resolution.

I am stuck with living with my parents, because I am stuck with certain values of "right" and "wrong".

What is the real issue? That I am not courageous enough to make my life choices firmly. Not courageous enough to show my parents to get out of my life.

I HATE THEM.

Imprisoned

2008-08-12T21:45:58+08:00

I am imprisoned.

By myself.

By my inability to be courageous enough

to handle my own life firmly.

I am imprisoned.

By my family.

Parents who interfere at everything.

Parents who wouldn't let go.

I am imprisoned.

By my skin.

Skin that is a life-long commitment

to ugliness, to spending.

I am imprisoned.

By my lack of faith.

For anything that claims to be able to save me,

I tried too many to believe.