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29 June 2008
What's becoming of me?
First, it was the fluttering feeling.
Then for some reason, as if I have called out to him, he approaches me for a job issue.
Then there is someone else that I keep seeing here and there around the office as well.
And for goodness sake, they are probably all younger than me.
So when the one approaches me and I have directed him to my boss (as I can't make decisions on his issue concerned), and I felt that I have offended him, I sulked whole day. I went to my subordinates resting in the pantry and said "I have offended someone, and wo xi huan ta hen jiu le!"
Now the initial reaction from them was laughter, and shock. The next reaction is probably "gosh who is she to like a handsome young thing like him?" And yeah, they both think he is very very attractive.
I have to really absorb the fact I am no longer as attractive as I once was. and I was NEVER attractive enough for THAT kind of guy for the whole of my existence. Just my ex. hahahah
I feel like I am going mad and turning desperate!
One way good to remind myself is to remember how I view a senior friend, who was 30 of age and I thought it would be difficult for her to get married.
I remember the aged skin and the wrinkles around her eyes. That should help.
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24 June 2008
My Heart Flutters
As mentioned before, I am not for people who can't seem to live without a partner. I think a single person an be as fulfilled as everybody else who has a married life.
But why does my heart wander when I do not have a relationship / when I get over a relationship?
It seems that it is always searching, searching to rest on someone.
My eyes searches for potential guys, and heart flutters when it senses one.
Some of them will keep hanging in my mind.
Then I have to snap back to reality to remind myself that I am no longer as attractive as I once was.
Recently I dreamt of a guy I had never met in my life. He has braces and he just smiles and smiles.
I do not know whether I was actually afraid of that image but I was not scared awake.
I don't like this pulling myself back to the ground to avoid floating and getting carried away, being attracted to certain guys in the office. I am watching myself closely to avoid showing that I am attracted to them. I sometimes give myself away without knowing.
THIS IS SICKENING!
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19 June 2008
My brother and his new girl
Last night, after I retired to bed, there were footsteps just outside my room.
Then the lights in the stairway went on.
It was my brother, saying "shhhhh"
He led this girl up the stairs to our rooms. And he peeped into mine. My eyes wide open.
That stupid girl peeped in too. I stared back at her.
What kind of guest of a house, peeps into a person's bedroom when she can see that someone is already lying on the bed!?
What kind of idiotic person is she?
And these few nights, my brother has been watching movies with this girl. And sending her home. Obviously he is pursuing her. Perhaps they had forgone the Siem Reap trip cause my brother can't go and he decided to get the girl all the way from China to Singapore instead.
Then again, I am not really that sure that the girl is the same one from China, am I?
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Hans and Eva
Dinner on 11th Jun
"Your english is perfect!"
"oh, no no, its just normal....."
"No, its perfect!"
hee hee hee hee
Today dinner at home
"Come to Germany! you can stay at our house! And I will bring you around! We hope you can come!"
"I will try definately. Am pleased to see that you are travelling with your dad..... and you live with him. You must be a really good daughter...."
"No no no, just normal.........."
"still, travelling with your dad, so nice. And you cook for your dad yeah? Yes you are a good daughter, I am sure."
"I try.........."
I will never be a good daughter to my parents anyway.
I want to run away. but where can I run to?
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17 June 2008
I hate my family
I hate my parents, for they are never happy with us.
I hate my brother, for I deem him hopeless and he deems me an idiot.
I hate myself. For being the first Singaporean to fail Australian CPA and being not able to get it. I will be closing accounts for the rest of my life! Without the three letters, I cannot do anything.
I hate myself. For I am not lovable.
What more can I say?
I am empty inside.
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Why Guys Marry Some Girls (And Not Others)
From Cosmopolitan / MSN:
"It happens all the time: A guy spends months, even years, in a long-term relationship with a girl he really digs. But after dropping the I-don't-see-myselfever- getting-married bomb, he suddenly turns around and ties the knot with a new chick. "
The characteristics of women men marry are:
i) She's Exciting and Always Evolving
"spontaneous and a little unpredictable, taking on new interests all the time, and revealing different facets of herselfBy never letting life get static, this woman busts the myth that being married means feeling humdrum. "She makes being with her an adventure, as if there's always a new idea or activity just around the bend."
"She's naturally driven to challenge herself by trying new things. That's the kind of girl you want to marry. If you aren't continually fascinated by each other, it won't last."
ii) She Really, Really Loves Sex
"it's not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level."
iii) She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life
" It's flattering to a guy to realize that his girl thinks the world of him, but it's less appealing when he gets the impression that he is her world"
"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness."
iv) ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her
v) She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be
"I wasn't on speaking terms with my father for years, and when I told my girlfriend this and that I just didn't care about having a relationship with him anymore, she didn't nod sympathetically. She made me call him and work things out because she knew I'd eventually regret it if I didn't. "
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10 June 2008
Can I have a singing partner?
To sing with, have projects of harmonising many songs, like the girls of Wilson Phillips or even a guy singer. I can just be a backup.
Just for leisure.
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Guess I still miss the days, guess he's irreplaceable.
His English at least of a standard I am pleased to communicate in. Not too lousy, and not too impeccable until I can't comprehend. And this "just-nice" standard that I can least accept is hard to find in a guy. HAHAHHA
He lives only with one more person; his mum. That makes privacy reachable. I have total privacy and place to hide from the world and parents when needed. His mum and he himself kinda really valued my opinion, and kinda listened to me. I made many decisions for many things. I am not xiao nu ren, guess I am really happy with this. And this arrangement is awfully difficult to find.
He is humble, don't talk too much, and quite intelligent really.
He is loving, and very very very sweet. That is VERY hard to find.
And just these factors are so hard to find.
I still miss those days with him, guess he is irreplaceable. And I do not have the youth to attract another soul anymore.
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08 June 2008
My English Is Deteriorating!
The younger generation is somewhat blessed, in a certain sense that their parents can afford them many development courses like the arts, singing, dancing, drawing, music, etc.
Growing up surrounded by electronic means of communication, we see the young keying fast and furious into their mobile phones for SMS, sending out many e-mails a day, etc. Thereby, their English vocabulary only gets better. Spelling sucks as they succumb to the net language such as "U R" and "ROFL" etc. But the vocabulary is getting better as they write often, and some of their writings are really good. I have read many pretty impressive blogs.
I am ashamed at my own English standard as of now, compared to these young people. I hope to at least be at my previous standard, the one I had in my secondary school days.
HELP. My grammer standard has declined!
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What is wrong with these people?
Am sick of arrogant people exasperatingly exclaiming "Speak English English! Not Singlish!" I am proud of Singlish as my culture and will use it whenever appropriate to a common countryfolk, and will switch to using proper English when needed in formal business context. I am proud of the way I speak and damn I will NEVER change it!
Am sick of everyone asking me "any updates?" and somehow I knew what they are referring to.
They are usually those of the few same characters and what they are really saying is "any new relationships?"
And no matter HOW MANY TIMES I emphasise relationships no longer is an agenda, THEY DON'T GET IT.
Getting sick of them and their stereotype as if a woman MUST have a man or something. They drive me sick. Can't they be more independent?! Funny how now I try to think of their names I can't think of any. just one green leaf, one Audrey, one XJ, one YQing. Come back to update when I do remember. Think I stopped meeting them. That is probably why I can't remember any hahhaa.
Then there are those complaining about how they cannot find Mr Right hard as they try. That is because they keep knowing the guys from pubs and clubs! What do you expect to find in a shallow place other than shallow people!? Then some are married with wives! Goodness! As if these women will DIE without a man. So many a times, when we meet, all they grumble about is having "no man, no man, no man, am getting older, how I am alone."
CAN'T THEY JUST STAND STRAIGHT UP ON THEIR OWN!?
Think the reason why I am alone is also because I am too strong. Still I respect these "xiao nu ren".
Once, I grumbled about how unhappy I am cause I am not successful, someone can actually ask "Is it because you are lonely?"
THAT REALLY SET ME OFF! LONELY! MY SCHEDULE IS BLOODY PACKED WITH DIFFERENT GROUPS OF FRIENDS AND MY RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CAN'T BE LONELY! DON'T THINK I AM THE SAME!
GOSH! The loneliness I felt is perhaps only stemming from the fact that I am sooooooooooo busy and sooooooooo distant from being me. So I keep postponing meeting this lady friend, to show how busy I really am.
Then there are my parents.
Dad mentioned how good they are to us, how they let us learn what we chose and did not force us.
I hate him for saying and thinking that I WANTED to learn ballet. I was forced into that ugly translucent costume by my mother who wants me to learn to be graceful. I hated all that.
I hate my mother for asking "why did you take up CPA? That shows you have a drive to achieve more! It's good!" When it was her telling me all about my eldest maternal Malaysian cousin taking all sorts of secondary certs and degrees, and won't stop saying things like "you don't want to do your CPA? you don't want to do your CPA? You dont want to do your CPA?" Like it was such a hard fact to accept and she wouldn't stop nagging until I started doing the CPA. And now I am probably the only Singaporean who failed in Australian CPA! What a great "boost" to my self-confidence, a complete waste of time and lotsa money! Everytime I get reminded of CPA, in whatever sense, my blood boils!
Can't have my own life without them as it is not a culture here nor is it practical to live away from your parents. Pretty often, I go to the company doctor for consultation. Not necessarily taking MC all the time, but for the medication. If I should call back home to tell them I am taking MC, the first thing I hear from my parents is how much time-off I take for consultation, and how many MCs I have taken. I mean, there are 14 MCs for each year! Half the year has past and I have only taken 3! So another day is ALOT? I can't even rest in peace and go home when I am sick! I used to have a place for solace as my ex lives only with his mum and I have the keys to his apartment and no one is usually at his place in the day. I always go to his place for resting. How I miss those days, at least there is a place to hide from the world!
WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS! None the worse than my parents though. Think I will always hate them for that idiotic roundabout they are playing. FUCK IT!
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Reading
I hardly read. No time, not even for papers, much less a book.
But have been reading books written by Neil Humphreys, about this island that I live in. He has been residing in Singapore for enough a time as 7 years, to be writing about the good, wonderful as well as bad and strange things about Singapore.
It is a consolation to me, to be reading someone else views that coincides with mine. As opposed to Neil, I have lived for a short time overseas, to appreciate the good things about Singapore and scoff at the bad compared to other countries.
I am glad to read his viewpoints on how we should be proud of Singlish as a culture, as much as others are about their slangs (aussies, rural parts of US and UK, etc). About how Singlish can be appropriate to communicate as much as proper English in certain circumstances. How many can actually alternate the usage between the two skilfully, as some of us are as eloquent as that. About how rare safety and security one can enjoy in Singapore actually is compared to the rest of the world. About how people travel to another country only to live, eat and mix around with their own kind. What is the point of going all the way to another part of the world and you do not embrace their culture? You learn nothing! I am one of the rare Singaporeans who went to live with a diversty of people whilst in Melbourne on purpose, because I don't want to live with Singaporeans, eat with Singaporeans and come back as a Singaporean. And I am proud to have done that, though now thinking about it, I do not know where I got the courage to endure the filth and insecurity living with that many different people in an old house in a district with many ex-convicts and drug addicts. About how ironic the Govt is strict on nudity and violence, while legalising prostitution. About how kiasu-ism is the ugliest trait we display......
Am glad my views are validated, no matter how small a way it is. As not even Neil knows I am almost in total agreement with what he writes.
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Kriss Kross - Jump
Searched for the video when I heard the song played on 95fm.
One mentioned as comments on the video "dang folks must be puttin hormones in our school food supply because im 13, and dont nobody in my town thats that age, is that small, this aint the only time ive thought about this... we make folks back then look like 9 year olds."
One replied to that "Probably because the children were allowed to be children back then."
I agree, I am lucky to be a normal child of the 70s. Ain't missing no childhood.
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07 June 2008
Freemale
Noted in TODAY :
You are a freemale if:
- the idea of getting married brings you out in cold sweat (yes for now)
- you go to bed in a facemask and socks (nope)
- your impressive collection of new shoes is not hidden away at the back of the wardrobe. (nope)
- you have a female friend listen as next-of-kin (hmmm??)
- all of your best male friends are gay. (yes)
- the only thing that needs looking after in your life is your cat - and yourself (nope).
- the only time you read the lonely hearts column is for a laugh (yes)
- your've never been speed dating - but you're an ace at the karaoke machine (yes but purely because I love singing)
- before going on a date, you book an appointment not with your hairdresser but a counsellor (a good galfriend actually)
- you buy your own jewellery (yes)
- you haven't lost touch with all your friends (almost)
- you're not waiting for Mr Right , or even Mr Right Now (kinda)
YAY :D
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01 June 2008
Word of the Day: Bigoted
Meaning: "utterly intolerant of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own." from Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
Oops.
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