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14 August 2006
The Other Girl
Can't use the word WOMAN as she is still very young. Can't use the word LADY as she has yet the grace of one. She is very pretty, like a miniature version of a waif-featured model. And her face shape, actually suits him better. they look more like a couple together. Read her blog, and found her funny and quite a nice lady, and in certain some aspect, alittle like me.
Have been writing out my hatred, feelings, I have yet to really talk about what happened.
After we broke up for around 2 mths, one night, i couldnt sleep. I sms him about several thoughts. He smsed back "Can I call you?" I was thinking "to scold me?" But I replied ok.
He callled. I answered "yes?."
He went "I can't say I have no feelings for you anymore, but I want to let you know personally, I like someone else."
"Who?"
"W****,....."
"Why? prettier? sporty?"
"No she aint sporty, I also can't pinpoint why. I also dunno when it started but definately we broke up not because of her. And I never do... anything with her,......... you know?"
I kept quiet.
Paused.
I started "That night when she came to you for emotional comfort, you were so gentle with her..."
He explained, " But I always treat people this way"
Paused.
He started "I do you wrong......I am so selfish....."
My tears were falling. I went "You are just lost, you are confused you will come back...Our love is special, it was soo strong, do you remember? Do you remember when we got together, the first few years, you said you love me more and more each day?..."
"yes I remember...."
"Did you mean it?"
"Yes I did"
"Our love was so strong, you were so upset that other day I shove your hand away, that day I ignored you at Plaza Sing.... you can't just love me and suddenly stop loving me.... its not possible! I am so integrated into your life, I don't believe it..... you do love me.... please come back."
He went "Can I go back? your parents your brother,they must hate me"
I said "No they won't they will be happy for me.......... you can come back please come back!" Then I was sobbing.
He went "Baby.... I feel like hugging you......don't cry" and urged me to sleep. I urged him to re-think, and try to come back to me. He said he will try and coaxed me to sleep.
Next day, I smsed to see him.
"I dont' think we are ready to see each other yet"
I asked why .
"I dont' think I can start all over again".
I sent several messages to my other friend, Who told me to give up on him. I was thinking, its the end, I tried everything I could.
The following few days, I was haunted by many memories, good and bad.
well, I do terrible things as well.
After he broke up with me and he went HongKong to forget me, he met this Japanese chick. Imagine just making friends from tour like that. I do check his personal e-mail now and then. He was writing to this Jap on how pretty he thinks the Jap is, flirting and stuff. Then came one such e-mail, where he talked about the new girl he likes. He wrote something like "i hve someone I like. But I cant be with her.... not yet...... so I just watch her stupidly, and be there when she is in trouble, watching over her....."
He is in love.
It baffles me, just baffles me. How he can just like another so fast. Reflections of the past,on how the girl had entered his life, went through my brain.
I sent an sms, angry, despondent. "y r u able to love someone else within 2 mths of our break up. I know u probably hate me for sayin this, but she never respected me as ur girlfriend that day she asked u to go pub with her ALONE! And askin me was just redundant cause u know i cannot stop u anyway if I wanted to. U never do ur part as a dutiful bf realising ur obligations to me NOT to go such places alone with a girl. The worse intolerable thing was that she calls u for emotional support and cries to u! who does she think was? That support was exclusive to me! And u also disrespect me by giving her that gentle support right in front of ME. call me unreasonable. I can't swallow it. Have a good day."
I left it at that for a while. Hating God, hating life, burying myself at work. Kept comparing myself with the girl, 5 years junior and slimmer and prettier. I went to Hongkong...... just to do what he might have done in his first trip overseas without me...... walking the places where he might walk, living in the same apt he had lived..... to be closer to him somehow.
During the trip, I got my Hong Kong friend to introduce me a tarot reader (wanted a fortune teller initially, but was pursuaded not to). She was spot on. The main things she mentioned abt my then situation was : He feels very confused and very stressed with me, now he feels very relieved, happier. He is in the creative line. We did not break up due to any third party.I am in a very pessismistic state in regards to love life. We will both only be clearer and find ourselves in August. He will have another person in his life this August, and I will have a suitor, only to be ignored by me cause I am still in love with my ex. THE VERDCT : we will not reunite.. this is so for the next 6 mths (up to Nov).
The Tarot reader only predicts for 6 mths ahead.
Its mid August now. I definatly did not see any guy pursuing me. I asked his friends if they knew that he was newly attached. They had no idea. I did the bad thing again, and found, to my dismay, a love letter written to that very girl. It details how much he wanted to pursue her. how much he wanted a chance to let her know him better. Things he wants to do with her like bringing her out for walks, (which he only did with me at the beggining of our relationship), make her laugh, take care of her. Saying how he will regret not trying, because he has this pounding heart sensation when he is near her, and how he dare not look into her eyes.
ATTRACTION. Strong attraction........ which will usually pass.
I did not have any tears. Baffled but no tears. Funny. I just watched the situation.
She rejected him. I confirmd with him personally thru MSN. He went with a firm "No, I have been single ever since." And after the rejection, he seemed to be flirting around again with e-mails to girls.
I felt a little justification done. It is the Lord's good work. Just as I had thought, she was dangling the carrot,cryin to him for emotional support, getting his attention, and then reject him. Maybe she was just an ignorant local graduate, with super low people skills. I don't know. No wonder she had bad rapport with people at work. She has lots to learn.
I retorted "who is to know? August has not ended yet." And when he wants something he is very persistent.
"Can you don't assume?"
I asked "oops, sorry, i made you angry."
"I am not angry, I am sorry....." he replied.
He asked "are you still angry at me?" I think he was referring to the last SMS about the girl (above).
I asked "about what? the W**** matter?"
"nevermind, i dont know how to put it."
I answered "I will always love you. I know your heart is now with ur friends, ur sis and W****, but its ok. I am happy you have a real job now, something in ur field of study. You will be fine."
Guilt ridden ..."......."
He will always be the rightful owner of my heart.
I had very little faith now that he will ever return.
Lord give me the faith, that he will, and let it be done!
AMEN.
16:25 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Email this
Comments
Funny how I receive e-mails saying I have new comments on my entries, but when I come here I see nothing.
In any case, this is for m2h3js1h.:
This post was sometime back. I am better now and recovering. Thank you so much for reading my posts!!!
God Bless.
Posted by: Lorena | 22 June 2008