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07 March 2006
Alive but dead
I live by the days, counting. Days have become a week.
I digged my own grave. I killed us.
So many things going through my brain.
That day at Plaza Singapura, after we had the "marriage" talk. I was angry, upset, shocked and unable to totally absorbed that I may never going to be married to you. I kinda ignored you. You hurt, and kept asking "do you love me less?" I did not answer. We went into Barang Barang. You played the blade of a cleaver with your hand. I gasped and reached out for your hand, hit it and kissed it. You smiled. I showed my love again. I asked if my hitting your hand hurt. You said "not as painful as you ignoring me". How can I not show my love for long? I never stopped loving you. Even so, I killed us. I killed us because I made a big fuss on marriage, and I hurt you ignoring you. I regret to a level beyond words can tell.
After that episode. we had Valentine's. You tried so hard to make it perfect. You wanted it perfect. I could tell. Yet the brainless me had to spoil it. I had to have manic depression, suspicious and accusing that this was too good to be true. Brought out the marriage issue, and killed us. I killed us again. You hurt, you got depressed. I regret to a level beyond words can tell.
Through the relationship, I was overly suspicious, I never seemed happy. But I was actually happy You felt that no matter what you do, I will find fault. I never meant to force you to do things you do not want to do. I killed us again. I regret to a level beyond words can tell.
Around two weeks ago, when we tried to break up for the first time, you cried so hard saying you can't imagine life without me. The way you said " I love you" through the crying. I can never forget that.
Yesterday, Gregg my colleague, was reading the newspaper in the pantry. I was there. He asked another colleague present which horoscope he is. He said Gemini, your horoscope. Gregg read "While you wanted things to stay the same, that's just not possible. Embrace change wholeheartedly. This sense of adventure will help you carry through the whole experience, and you may even start to enjoy it." I went over to Gregg, and rudely asked Gregg "where is that?" He pointed, I read it, heart breaking down. I wanted to tear the paper apart. I lost myself, I was so rude.
Last night your MSN nick caption was "get off that farking idea". I dont really get what you meant, except saying "asking me back is a farkig idea". Yeah. Tonight your nick caption was "everything seems so wrong". You force yourself to go through these days without me contacting you. So as to accomplish a life without me. So as to get used to life without me. I get the idea. I am but a habit.
I can't survive, I need you so bad. I went to your apt, and stood outside your window. Your neighbours looked out their kitchen window and see me standing there... peeping in. I was not peeping. I was smelling. I could smell you. It felt so good, yet it felt so miserable. I went home to cry.
Love is too good for me. I do not deserve it, and I certainly can't keep it. It is too high an entitlement for me. I grieve. I think I will have enough courage in a few days more. I should contemplate suicide.
23:45 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Email this
Comments
Hi,
it is very much like my story ages ago. But I was the one who loved someone who had been ignoring me all the time. He never said "I love you" and never asked about my feeling. He just came then flew away like morning breeze, leaving a big hole in my heart. I've been through that and I am sure you will.
Posted by: d!@N | 01 May 2006